Freedom of Speech Expanded—As Long As You Say the Approved Things
Silence encouraged for personal growth. In a historic victory for free expression, officials have proudly announced that freedom of speech
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Wednesday, May 13, 2026
Latest:
- Experts Warn Saying ‘Good Job’ Creates Unfair Performance Expectations
- Neighborhood Declares Curfews ‘Authoritarian’ — Teens Now Governed by Vibes
- Nationwide Study Finds Most Adults Are Just Exhausted From Pretending This All Makes Sense
- City Renames ‘Failure’ as ‘Pre-Success’ to Improve Morale
- Museum Removes Historical Timeline — Visitors Free to Experience the Past in Any Order They Feel
Culture
New Math Curriculum Eliminates Wrong Answers to Preserve Student Confidence
2 + 2 identifies as ‘about 5.’ In an effort to make mathematics more inclusive, a new national curriculum has
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Study Finds Hard Work Causes Inequality—Laziness Declared a Protected Condition
Participation trophies issued retroactively. In a groundbreaking new study that bravely confirms what no one working believed, researchers have concluded
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Experts Warn: Common Sense Now Considered a Gateway Belief
Early symptoms include asking follow-up questions. In a startling new development, experts are warning that common sense may be the
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Alert Issued: Salvation Army Red Kettle Bell Ringers Suspected of Seasonal Non-Compliance
Smiling while asking for charity may violate several unspoken cultural rules. As the holiday season approaches, concerned observers are once
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Breaking: Christmas Declared Problematic—Joy Under Review
Santa placed on administrative leave pending investigation. Just days before Christmas, a coalition of Very Serious People has raised concerns
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America Introduces ‘National Quiet Hour’ — Silence Required So No One Is Accidentally Offended
In a sweeping move toward nationwide emotional safety, federal officials announced the creation of National Quiet Hour, a daily, mandatory
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New App Alerts Users When They’re About to Have a Thought Outside Approved Narratives
Tech startup MindGuard™ unveiled a groundbreaking new app this week designed to alert users just before they think something unapproved.
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Library Rebrands Books as ‘Paper Opinions’ — Reading Without Guidance Now Discouraged
In an effort to protect citizens from the dangers of independent thought, the Metro City Public Library announced it has
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City Replaces Street Signs With ‘Suggestions’ Because Rules Are Too Emotionally Restrictive
In an unprecedented act of municipal empathy, the city of Brookhaven announced this week that all street signs will be
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