School Bans History — Students Now Required to Learn Feelings Instead of Facts
In a bold step toward shaping the most emotionally well-lubricated generation in human history, Chestnut Valley Unified School District announced that it has officially eliminated History class and replaced it with a new subject called Feelings Studies — a curriculum designed to ensure students know absolutely everything about their emotions and absolutely nothing about the past.
“Facts are harmful,” said superintendent Harmony Dewdrop during a press conference held inside a dimly lit mindfulness circle. “History often contains uncomfortable events like wars, disagreements, and people saying things we wouldn’t say today. Feelings, on the other hand, are inclusive, safe, and require no study.”
According to the new curriculum, students will now learn:
- How to identify 147 officially recognized emotional states
- How to cry responsibly
- How to use a feelings journal to avoid accountability
- How to locate “trigger zones” in the cafeteria
- How to breathe in a way that signals moral superiority
In place of historical timelines, students will now create “emotional timelines,” tracking how they felt during lunch, recess, rainy days, and any moment a classmate looked at them “with a tone.”
Some parents expressed concern that removing history might leave students ignorant of important events. The district responded by issuing a statement assuring families that “the past is overrated and probably problematic anyway.”
Instead of studying the American Revolution, students will learn the Emotional Revolution, a unit covering “how to overthrow negative self-talk using mindful coloring sheets.” Instead of the Civil War, they’ll cover the Civil Sensitivity Struggle, which focuses on navigating disagreements using sock puppets.
Critics argue that feelings without facts will produce soft, uninformed citizens.
District officials rejected this, claiming critics aren’t “in emotional alignment.”
Meanwhile, students interviewed seemed thrilled.
“This is awesome,” said 8th-grader Dylan. “Now when I don’t know an answer on a test, I just tell the teacher how the question made me feel. And I still get an A!”
As of press time, the district is considering banning math next, citing concerns that numbers don’t adapt to students’ truth.
Because someone has to say it.
#BeforeStupid #School #History #Feelings
