New App Automatically Offended on Your Behalf
Saves time. Ruins friendships.
In a major breakthrough for modern inconvenience, tech developers have unveiled a new app designed to be offended for you—instantly, automatically, and without context.
The app, tentatively called OutrageNow™, scans conversations, social media posts, emails, and facial expressions to determine when you should be offended—often before you even realize it yourself.
“People are busy,” said one developer. “They don’t always have time to misunderstand intent. This app does it for them.”
Once activated, the app immediately issues responses such as:
- “I’m deeply hurt by this.”
- “That comment was problematic.”
- “Do better.”
All without requiring the user to know what was actually said.
Beta testers report impressive results. One user lost three friendships, a family group chat, and a decades-long relationship with a neighbor—all in under 48 hours. “I didn’t even read the messages,” the user said proudly. “The app handled everything.”
Advanced features include:
- Auto-posted outrage
- Context-free screenshots
- And a helpful reminder that intent doesn’t matter
Experts praise the app for eliminating awkward conversations, forgiveness, and personal growth. “Conflict resolution is exhausting,” one analyst noted. “This replaces it with permanent resentment.”
Developers say a future update will allow users to be offended retroactively—just in case they missed something from 2012.
