City Removes Benches Because Sitting Encourages ‘Problematic Stillness’
In a bold step toward eliminating all unsupervised thinking, the city of New Harmony Springs announced this week that it has officially removed all public benches, citing concerns that sitting down encourages “problematic stillness.”
According to city officials, benches provide citizens with too much opportunity to pause, reflect, and — most dangerously — think.
“Stillness is not neutral,” said Deputy Commissioner of Kinetic Equity, Breeze Holloway. “When people sit quietly, they sometimes reflect on their lives, society, or reality. That can lead to independent thought, and we simply can’t allow that in shared public spaces.”
The decision follows a six-month study in which city researchers observed residents sitting on benches without consuming content, scrolling phones, or participating in guided emotional programming.
“We saw people just… staring,” Holloway said solemnly. “Some even sighed. One man appeared to be remembering something. It was alarming.”
As a replacement, the city has introduced Continuous Motion Zones, where residents are encouraged to walk slowly in loops, lightly jog without purpose, or pace while listening to approved city podcasts titled Why Movement Is Progress.
Former bench locations now feature signs reading:
“NO LOITERING. NO RESTING. NO THINKING. KEEP MOVING.”
Local seniors were particularly confused.
“I just wanted to sit for a minute,” said 78-year-old Frank Walters. “Now I’ve been power-walking around the fountain for 45 minutes. I don’t even remember why I came downtown.”
City officials insist the policy promotes wellness.
“Movement prevents reflection,” Holloway explained. “And reflection often leads to questions. Questions are disruptive.”
To further discourage stillness, the city is considering removing shade trees, as they “invite lingering,” and replacing them with motivational banners reading Progress Never Stops (Neither Should You).
As always…Because someone has to say it.
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