Local Vegan Outraged That Neighbor’s Lawn Contains Grass — Claims It Promotes Eating Plants
Residents of the Maple Ridge eco-community were thrown into turmoil this week after local vegan activist River Sunblossom filed a formal complaint accusing her neighbor of promoting “plant violence” by maintaining a lawn full of grass.
Sunblossom alleges that the mere presence of green blades in public view contributes to a harmful cultural message:
that plants exist for human enjoyment.
“I can’t believe I have to look at that,” she said, pointing angrily at her neighbor’s neatly trimmed yard. “Every time I see grass, I’m reminded of our society’s deep-rooted bias toward consuming photosynthetic life. It’s traumatizing.”
The neighbor, retired bus driver Hank Morgan, was initially confused.
“It’s a lawn,” he said. “I mow it. That’s… pretty much the whole story.”
But Sunblossom insists the issue is far bigger.
She argues that:
- Grass is “non-consensually stepped on.”
- Lawns perpetuate “a colonial relationship with soil.”
- Blades of grass “suffer silently in mass numbers.”
- The color green triggers “dietary guilt” for vegans everywhere.
She has demanded Hank replace his lawn with “ethical pavement,” a plant-free mixture of sand, clay, and recycled activism pamphlets.
The Maple Ridge Eco-Council held an emergency meeting to discuss the accusation. After three hours of deliberation, two interpretive dances, and one emotional support drum circle, they issued a non-binding recommendation encouraging residents to “reflect on how their foliage choices impact marginalized plant life.”
Hank remains unconvinced.
“I’ve lived here for 27 years,” he said. “Never thought grass would become political. Next thing you know, she’ll tell me the maple tree out front is practicing hate speech.”
Sunblossom is undeterred and has begun circulating a petition titled “Plants Are People Too,” vowing to fight for a world where lawns are fully eradicated and replaced with “non-hurtful earth coverings.”
As of press time, her petition had gathered 14 signatures — 12 from people, 2 from houseplants she signed on their behalf.
As always…Because someone has to say it.
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