Man Complains He Can’t Smile Without Offending Someone — Town Declares Grinning Illegal Until Further Notice
Residents of Harmony Falls were stunned this week after the town council officially banned smiling following a complaint that one citizen’s grin caused “deep emotional harm” to several bystanders.
The incident began when local electrician Jim Laskey smiled politely at a neighbor while walking into a grocery store. Witnesses claim his smile — described as “slight,” “friendly,” and “containing no visible teeth” — was nonetheless interpreted as offensive, intimidating, and “microaggression-adjacent.”
“I was horrified,” said self-appointed community advocate Star Willow Finn. “When Jim curled the corners of his mouth upward, I felt judged, violated, and pressured to feel happiness I did not consent to.”
“No Shirt, No Shoes, No Smiling — This Is a Safe Zone.”
The city council acted quickly, issuing a municipal emergency order titled “The Facial Neutrality Act.” Effective immediately, smiling in public is banned until officials complete a 14-month study on the emotional consequences of spontaneous joy.
Mayor River Crestwood defended the decision.
“We believe strongly in emotional safety. Smiling creates unpredictable feelings in observers. What if someone misreads it? What if someone sees it as encouragement? What if someone, heaven forbid, smiles back?”
Police have been instructed to monitor facial expressions closely. First-time smile offenders will be issued a Warning Frown — a laminated card reminding them that happiness is a regulated substance.
Jim, the original smiler, expressed disbelief.
“My wife told me to smile more. Now I’m basically an outlaw.”
Local businesses are also affected. Grocery stores now feature signs reading:
“No Shirt, No Shoes, No Smiling — This Is a Safe Zone.”
Yoga studios have replaced “Namaste” with the more expressionless “We Acknowledge the Void.”
Citizens are advised to walk with their facial muscles in a resting neutrality position at all times. Laughing, chuckling, and smirking remain under review.
As of press time, Jim was last seen practicing his court-ordered expression in the mirror: a vacant stare that communicates nothing, means nothing, and therefore offends no one.
As always….Because someone has to say it.
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