Major CEO Says His Company Is ‘Fully Anti-Woke’ — Employees Rejoice, Cancelled Coffee Table Now Worth $5 Billion
Wall Street was sent into euphoria this week after TitanTech CEO Brock Ironwell boldly announced that his company is now officially “fully anti-woke,” a declaration that instantly increased the value of the company’s previously worthless, cancelled coffee table to an eye-popping $5 billion.
“Investors love courage,” Ironwell said at a press event hosted on the aforementioned coffee table, now protected behind bulletproof glass and surrounded by velvet ropes. “And nothing says courage like publicly stating the most obvious truth in America today: that men are men, women are women, and HR doesn’t get to rewrite biology.”
The company’s stock soared 600% by closing bell.
Employees reacted with celebration.
“For years, we weren’t allowed to say things like ‘good morning’ unless it was submitted through DEI channels for tone analysis,” said software engineer Mike Bradley. “Yesterday I told someone they did a good job and nobody escorted me to a sensitivity pod. This is freedom.”
Analysts say the surge in TitanTech’s value comes from the company’s commitment to restoring normal behavior once considered standard in the workplace, including:
- Looking people in the eye
- Giving firm handshakes
- Talking about sports without filing a form
- Expressing an opinion without a council review
- Wearing normal clothes that do not involve interpretive political messages
The newly iconic coffee table at the center of the frenzy was briefly removed last year after critics claimed its rectangular shape “enforced capitalist geometry.” Investors now describe it as “a symbol of resistance.”
Ironwell isn’t stopping there.
“We’re bringing back words like ‘customer,’ ‘merit,’ and ‘common sense,’” he said. “If that offends anyone, I invite them to my office to discuss it personally. Just know it’s a standing meeting — we put the chairs back in storage.”
Not all reactions were positive.
Activists immediately condemned TitanTech for “embracing reality,” calling it “a threat to emotional ecosystems.” But the backlash only boosted the stock another 12%.
As of press time, TitanTech confirmed it will soon unveil an entire furniture line made of unapologetic rectangles.
Because someone has to say it.
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