Company Declares ‘Woke-Proof’ Hiring Policy — Applicants Now Must Threaten No One
In a bold attempt to cleanse its workplace of the emotional landmines of modern culture, tech manufacturer IronStone Analytics unveiled its groundbreaking new policy this week: a “Woke-Proof Hiring System.” The initiative promises to ensure that no applicant, employee, or passerby ever feels threatened, triggered, startled, surprised, mildly uncomfortable, or lightly inconvenienced.
The policy begins by requiring all applicants to sign a 42-page Non-Threat Acknowledgment Form, certifying they will never:
- Raise their voice
- Raise their eyebrows
- Raise concerns
- Raise expectations
- Or raise a hand unless absolutely necessary and previously scheduled
Company spokesperson Dalton Steelman explained the logic during a press conference padded with emotional comfort mats.
“We believe in creating a workplace so safe,” he said, “that even conflict resolution is considered too aggressive. If two employees disagree, both are immediately escorted to separate Sensory Peace Pods until they forget what the disagreement was about.”
Applicants are also screened for “dangerous microbehaviors,” including:
- Confident walking
- Firm handshakes
- Owning a toolbox
- Watching classic movies without trigger warnings
- Knowing how to parallel park
To prove they pose no threat, candidates must provide a video of themselves apologizing to a houseplant for raising their voice in its vicinity.
Critics accuse IronStone of going too far. One former employee, now in counseling after being fired for “standing too assertively,” warned, “They don’t just want compliant workers — they want limp noodles.”
Still, the company is doubling down.
“We aren’t anti-woke,” Steelman clarified. “We’re simply pro-non-threatening human existence.”
He then apologized in advance for using the word “existence.”
As of press time, IronStone confirmed it is working on a follow-up initiative: employees will be evaluated quarterly to ensure they remain harmless. Overly motivated individuals will be gently encouraged to pursue their goals elsewhere — far, far away.
Because someone has to say it.
#BeforeStupid #Employment
