Statue Removed for Standing Too Confidently
Posture deemed historically aggressive.
City officials announced today the removal of a longstanding public statue after experts determined that its posture conveyed an “unacceptable level of confidence.”
The statue, which had stood peacefully for decades, was cited for offenses including standing upright, looking forward, and placing its shoulders too far back—actions now understood to imply dominance, certainty, and other historically troubling attitudes.
“It wasn’t what the statue did,” explained a spokesperson. “It was how sure it looked doing it.”
Observers noted the statue appeared calm, resolute, and unapologetically balanced—qualities modern historians warn may intimidate passersby who prefer ambiguity. One activist described the stance as “emotionally invasive.”
To prevent further harm, officials approved the statue’s removal and replacement with a more appropriate installation: a gently slouched abstract shape meant to represent reflection, uncertainty, and ongoing dialogue.
City planners reassured residents that no history was erased—only corrected. “We’re not removing the past,” one official said. “We’re improving its posture.”
Future monuments will reportedly be required to lean slightly, gaze downward, and include plaques apologizing in advance for any unintended inspiration.
