Experts Warn Americans Not To Think Too Hard — Critical Thinking Now Considered a Threat to Public Harmony

A coalition of national experts issued a public advisory this week warning Americans to avoid critical thinking unless supervised by a licensed Emotional Safety Technician.

The advisory, titled “Thinking: America’s Hidden Menace,” argues that independent thought is responsible for social tension, disagreement, and “unregulated questions,” all of which undermine public harmony.

Dr. Luna Fairfeather, lead researcher at the Center for Cognitive Regulation, explained:
 “Critical thinking leads to opinions, and opinions lead to conversations, and we cannot allow conversations that aren’t pre-approved.”

To protect citizens, the advisory outlines several activities now considered high-risk:

• Asking “Why?”
  
  
• Using logic without a permit
  
  
• Reading an article past the headline
  
  
• Watching a debate unsupervised
  
  
• Bringing up history in any context
  
  
• Looking at data without emotional filters
  
  

Dr. Fairfeather recommends the following safe alternatives:

• Accepting whatever you’re told
  
  
• Repeating popular hashtags
  
  
• Using feelings as facts
  
  
• Watching instructional empathy cartoons
  
  
• Practicing Mindful Non-Thinking® — a technique invented last Tuesday
  
  

Citizens who accidentally engage in critical thought must immediately report to a Cognitive Compliance Center, where staff will guide them through de-thinking exercises, including:

• Staring at soothing shapes
  
  
• Listening to soft humming
  
  
• Repeating phrases like “Everything is fine because someone said it is”
  
  

One resident, Tom Bradley, was referred for treatment after he questioned why gas prices were rising.

“It was terrifying,” Tom said. “They rushed me into a Safe Thought Pod and played whale sounds until I forgot what I was thinking.”

Experts warn that thinking ahead or anticipating consequences is especially dangerous, calling it “advanced cognitive extremism.”

Schools have already begun replacing traditional assignments with worksheets asking students to “circle the emoji that matches your truth.”

As of press time, the advisory board was considering whether common sense should be labeled a Schedule I Controlled Substance.

 As always…Because someone has to say it.

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